Anger 2

In the months that followed going public with our infertility reality, I wished sorely that I could go back to lying by telling people that I never wanted children due to enjoyment of being skinny and constant traveling.

People started to negatively associate children with me. They danced around the topic of anything relating to kids in my presence, which was difficult being as that I was a preschool teacher. They were trying to be careful, so I should be thankful, but I wasn’t.

June 3, 2018
Shortly after first sharing on my blog, I volunteered in the nursery at church one Sunday. The person I was working with that day went to hand me a baby to hold, but then quickly pulled away saying, “Oh, maybe not for you, ha-ha.”

June 26, 2018
Today was just one of  those days. The kind where you wake up in tears before you’ve even had your first thought. When seeking comfort from a close family member, she declared, “You are prematurely grieving. You don’t have a child right now, but that doesn’t mean you never will. There’s nothing to be upset about, yet.” And while that’s not necessarily untrue, grief is an undefinable monster that appears and times itself differently for everyone. Grief isn’t something that can ever be considered premature or expired.

July 28, 2018
In a quick discussion with someone about the possibility of visiting a new church in the area, I was advised to “steer clear” of it because many couples currently attending there were pregnant or had babies. Think about that. I was told I shouldn’t go to church because I don’t have a baby.

People take it personally when you’re sad around them.

August 5, 2018
What is the point of being around people that make you feel terrible about yourself?

August 21, 2018
Those who I desperately need to keep asking how I am have stopped, and those who I wish would shut up and disappear won’t get out of my face.

September 8, 2018
There is no question in my mind, that right now I would not do well attending a gender reveal party. So today I chose to exclude myself from one taking place in our family. The same family member who claimed I was “prematurely grieving” told me not attending the gender reveal party was unacceptable because, “As a family, we grieve together and we celebrate together.” But that’s not true. I was told to stop my grieving. No one grieved with me. No one surrounded me the way they surround someone who is celebrating. It’s simply not true.

September 9, 2018
I keep reading that infertility is isolating. Everyone who knows your struggle knows you have a vulnerable spot; they know there’s a weakness inside you that could cause an irrational explosion. No one even realizes the pain they’re causing, that’s the worst part.

September 12, 2018
Having children makes you think that you have a purpose. Perhaps guiltily, I long for a child only so I can feel more purposeful in this world. This was the conversation I was having with the secretary of the church where I taught when she stopped me mid sentence and said, “Look, either decide to fight for yourself and seriously seek out treatment for this issue, or stop talking about it and learn to find your joy elsewhere.”

Liv – Authentically


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